Last night, I did something incredible.
I put in my headphones, turned on my iPod, and I FREE-DANCED!
Okay, maybe it was just incredibly silly, but it felt AMAZING.
If anyone had seen me, I’m sure I would have looked like a goofball: dancing in a dark kitchen by the light of the stove, music only playing in MY ears. Lol.
But the beauty of it all is that I just let myself go. I’ve never danced like that before, so freely. It felt new and strange to feel my limbs move in such ways. To lift my arms and sway, to move my hips whichever way they felt without worrying about what I looked like.
Eyes closed, I spun and tapped, bounced and swayed, reached and pulled, gathered and released…
After a few songs, I opened my eyes and caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of the kitchen window, and to my surprise, I didn’t look absolutely ridiculous. My free-dancing actually looked alright!
I saw myself in the reflection of the glass, and it was like I was looking at another person. And she looked happy, content with herself.
And as I saw my reflection move, I felt this profound shift. This “okayness” with just being me.
Not comfort, exactly. I think it’s too soon for that. But definitely more of a “sinking into my own skin” kind of feeling. A smoothing of the roughness and a loosening of the stones that built up my walls for so long.
I closed my eyes again and tried to memorize the way my body felt as I moved, freely. I wanted to harness whatever strength I’d gathered to be able to just LET GO and reserve some for later. I wanted to remember that feeling of freedom in SELF and use it to grow, to build confidence, to maybe be a better person.
As I explained in my post “Gift to a Black Sheep,” the last month and a half have marked a new chapter in my life, as I learn to let go, heal from the bitterness of past abuse, and learn who I am in this world, while still recognizing that one day I’ll leave it.
Yesterday, I started with dancing.
~Courtney
